I decided enough was enough. Either I change the situation, or I keep getting the same result. I was fed up with feeling like no one understood me all my life. I knew I didn’t want to go back to being depressed. So it was finally time to take charge of myself… my life, and my asexuality.
I mustered up the courage to go back on AVEN. I knew I had to. I didn’t want to go backwards in my life. I wanted to go forward. I didn’t want to let one person on AVEN ruin my entire life. I didn’t want it to stop me from having the opportunity and freedom that comes from being with people of your own kind.
Fortunately I messaged a guy on AVEN who had a similar experience to me. He felt excluded because of how he identified too. It wasn’t fortunate he felt this way and had a similar experience. It was fortunate we could relate to each other, because I knew there was nothing wrong with me.
I just knew I had to be careful what I said in the AVEN forums, and use AVEN for my own purposes… to meet other asexuals… like me.
Fast forward to January 2015. I was so happy I had found other asexuals online. I felt so comforted… and it felt so amazing to know there were other asexuals out there like me. But something was missing… That was just it. They were out there. I had yet to meet another asexual in a face-to-face, real world environment, that would solidify asexuality for me. It was like being an alien on the same planet and never meeting up on our own starship.
I found a thread on AVEN that was discussing arranging an asexual meetup in my area, but no one was taking any decisive action to make that happen. And even though I was both nervous and anxious, because it was something I’d never done before in my life… I decided to take on the role and make it happen.
This is the moment when my dream of meeting another asexual, face-to-face, became a reality. When two asexual females agreed to meet me outside of my work, to go for food together at Nandos. (Which is a chicken restaurant.) I was so elated.
Here is a screenshot of that first meetup arrangement. This is the Aven thread in which two other asexuals had agreed to meet me outside of my work.
I cannot tell you how happy it made me feel when I saw those two asexuals waiting for me outside of my work. I felt such glee in my heart. I felt like a giddy schoolgirl who had just won the egg and spoon race. You’re always afraid the egg will drop and splat, before you’ve got over the finish line, and end up all over your face! I’m really pleased to say, that never happened.
I wasn’t sure what to expect but they felt like my kind of people.
In school I was bullied, predominantly by females. So I always felt more comfortable around guys. But when I met these two females, I really connected with them and clicked with them. I was so happy.
I felt such warmth and deep understanding from those two females, who I’d never met in person before. Who were strangers to me.
Besides explaining they didn’t want sex in a relationship, and they didn’t really like it or need it. They also made some sex jokes. I thought I was weird because I was an asexual who could make sex jokes, despite not wanting or liking sex. So I felt so comfortable and at ease when they did that too. It just felt great. The banter was wonderful. The atmosphere was wonderful. The food was lovely. I just had the most amazing time of my life. It’s just incredible. I’m still friends with one of these asexuals, today. I just really, really, loved that moment that changed my life forever.
Before I got there, because I could make jokes about sex, despite not wanting or liking sex, I wasn’t sure I even fitted into the asexual community. But after seeing these two individuals, I just knew I did. And I felt so at home, so at peace, and I felt they were my extended ACE family. That just felt incredible. It’s a feeling I wanted to get over and over again. And from that moment I was hooked on doing meetups. I thought if I can feel this incredible right now, by doing my first asexual meetup, it’s only going to get better from here on in.
So that’s how I started my asexual meetup journey. That was over 5 years ago. And I still love doing asexual meetups. They’re so awesome.
Before I even did that meetup, I did do some extensive research into what made asexual meetups good and what made them bad. What people were saying was good about them and what people were saying they didn’t like about them.
And I learnt from my own experience. Because I wanted to go to someone else’s meetup before I even did that meetup. But it was really, really bad… because I have food allergies and intolerances. And this guy was just so… not caring about that. I said whereabouts are you eating? I need to get a menu because I’m worried about my food allergies and intolerances… I don’t want to come all that way (because it wasn’t directly near me, it was two hours away on the train), and I didn’t want to go on a train journey and waste the money when I get there not being able to eat anything and enjoy myself. I get low blood sugar and I needed to eat regularly anyway. He wasn’t bothered about helping me… He couldn't care less… I was really hurt.
What made it worse was when I said to him I don’t eat red meat. I said I don’t eat pork, lamb, or beef. (I consider pork to be a red meat.) His reply was harsh… Why don’t you eat that!!!... If you’ve got all these food allergies and intolerances, why are you making life more difficult for yourself? ... It was horrible. I didn’t want to be virtually stabbed for my life choices, for my food choices. I gave up eating red meat when I was 15 years old. I wasn’t about to change for him. That really, really hurt me. I was unwelcome. They couldn’t care less that I was different. And in an asexual community, where we’re a minority, we’re different, and my differences were being attacked… it was just horrible… and that’s when I decided, I definitely just want to do my own asexual meetups.
I vowed to never, ever, ever, treat people that way. I want my asexual meetups to be different. I want my asexual meetups to be fully inclusive. Inclusive of people with mental health difficulties. Inclusive of people with disabilities. Inclusive of people who really struggled in life… who are anxious or depressed. Including of those with food allergies and intolerances. Inclusive of asexuals all across the asexual spectrum. I want to go that extra mile for people. I want people to know I really care about them.
I wanted to connect with more asexuals. I wanted those asexuals who particularly felt lonely and left out, because they were different within a different community, to have the connection, the feeling, the love, the caringness, that we all need. That’s what makes my meetups different. That’s why I consider myself a professional meetup organiser. Because not only have I got this incredible 7 Steps Of Success Blueprint formula, which I also use for in person meetups, I also come from a place of love, of genuinely caring about asexuals.
My meetups went from strength-to-strength. I became well known for getting people to travel hundreds of miles across the UK, to come to meetups in my city. Over the course of 5 years, my meetups have become really well known for being inclusive. And being especially understanding, welcoming, and accommodating, to those with special needs and mental health difficulties. Ensuring that they have a safe environment to flourish. Which is a skill in itself.